A Reckoning

If I’m not fighting for something

Then what do I stand for

Fighting is all I know

The shield of my survival

If I’m not in the fight

Then how would I know I’m alive

There is no winner or loser

That’s not the point

I fight to live

I fight to protect my vulnerability

I fight for principle

I fight to create the feelings that are comfortable

The blanket of anger

Of defensiveness

Of condemnation

Of indignation

This is the world that I know

So I create it and rebuild it

Over and over again

I control because I love

Though I also love to control

The more I control, the more fear I can hold at bay

The more fear that surfaces

And so I control some more

More fear, more control

More love

Because my control equals love

Why don’t you understand?

I nag because I care

I know how to protect you

Just stay under my control

And you’ll be safe

I’ll be safe

We can ward off all fear together

Can’t we?

I am busy. Soooooo busy.

I am a victim to my busy-ness — there are so many things that I HAVE to do.

Never mind that I created the chaos around me — I need you to feel sorry for me. Share in my pain. Let’s talk of my pain in being so busy. So many things happening TO me. Let’s talk about those things. Because they’re on the surface and distracts me from dealing with what lurks below. As soon as it calms down I’ll create a new idea. A new HAVE TO DO. A new BUSY. Keep me distracted. A victim to the chaos I created. It is comfortable here.

I worry. I worry about the worry, I mean, am I worrying enough? I worry if I said the right thing, wore the right thing, did the right thing. I worry about what I’ll say next. I worry about sharing this. I worry about what you’re thinking (of me). I worry about the future. What should I DO tomorrow? What is the right thing to wear tomorrow? Or the event next weekend? Or next year? I worry that I left something behind. I worry that I forgot. I worry that I will forget. I worry about the past and I worry about the future so that I don’t have to be present. I dont have to be here. The past and the future are easier to judge because I have no control over those. I don’t want to be responsible for NOW. That feels so vulnerable.

I strike out first and often

Point out your hypocrisies

Indiosyncrocies

Delusional fantasies

I am the jury and the judge and the whole world has entered my courtroom

I critique

I analyze

I interrogate

I hand down a sentence and enforce my laws

That are malleable

Not infallible

Ever changing so they can’t be used against me

Without realizing

It is all a reflection

The world is a mirror

IT IS ME.

This is a Reckoning.

©CatherineHam2021