BUILDING THE SKILL OF JUDGING YOUR JUDGMENTS
I had really hoped that the death of the fake eyelash trend was going to be one of the positive outcomes (silver linings) of the Pandemic, but sadly, the opposite occurred. Apparently, staring at oneself on Zoom calls all day led to much higher numbers of Americans scheduling appointments for Botox and other facial “improvements”, including those lashes.
So why do the fake eyelashes bother me so much?
I think part of it is as simple as the word “fake” being part of the equation! Since authenticity is a core value of mine, it immediately seems to go against my core values. It may just be on the surface level, but truly — I have a visceral reaction to the product name itself.
And then there’s the distraction of it. I tend to look at someone’s mouth as they’re talking — not that I can officially read lips, but it does help to see the lip formation, especially if it’s loud around us — as well as wanting to see facial expressions. But when people have those fuzzy caterpillars growing out of their eyeballs, I do find myself looking at their eyes more (or more precisely, their eyelashes, because I probably can’t tell you what eye color they have), and it becomes a distraction from whatever they are saying.
I’m not saying I can’t take them seriously, because if someone is saying something serious, I can compartmentalize that real fast. And there are people who I know well and love and respect and am almost at the point where I no longer see the lashes (or at least no longer fixated on them), but I do still find myself yelling at the TV when a sideline reporter pops onto the screen with a camera close-up of their overly maked-up face and fake eyelashes.
The further one strays from “natural”, I have a tendency to think it is the same as moving away from “authenticity”. My heart fully understands that it is unfair to make judgments on someone’s insides based on their outsides. But my head argues that it is what is on the inside that drives the outside decisions, isn’t it? This is where my heart and my head have an ongoing debate.
I find myself making an instant judgment — giving someone a strike, if you will. If they have fake eyelashes and then say something stupid — I’m like “yep, that makes sense”. If they have fake eyelashes but then show up as kind and grounded and shares something spiritually fascinating that has me hanging onto every word — well then, all of my judgments melt away because they’ve connected to other core values of mine, and I will choose to love them wholly! I will “forgive” them for their poor choice in facial attire and, in fact, they could wear anything at this point without my judgment because they are so darn interesting, and I just want to be their friend.
I realize that because of my existing judgment, the eyelashes have become something that person has to overcome with me — I start out not trusting them and they must prove otherwise. But I’ve also clearly proven to myself that I can get past it.
Logically I know that others should not make decisions based on what I think, nor worry about impressing me in any way. I know that I’m distracting myself with negative judgment. At the end of the day, who cares what anyone else is doing, as long as it isn’t hurting anything.
Logically, I know all these things.
Really, it’s none of my business WHY someone chooses to have fake anything.
The personal work is for ME to do so that I can get to the point where I don’t get “distracted” by any detail of physical appearances.
Simultaneously, my brain still likes to analyze what is going on around me and my intellectual curiosity wants to explore these questions:
- Why do certain people like unnaturally long/thick eyelashes?
- Why is it predominantly women who follow this trend and not men?
- How did this trend ever start?
- How did this trend survive the Pandemic shutdown?
At the end of the day, I know that this is one of those trends that hurts no one else. Since another core belief of mine is civil liberty — i.e. no person nor government has any right to tell you how to live regarding decisions that have no impact on others. The only role of government is to protect you from the aggression of others, not to protect you from yourself. So, to follow a different core belief of mine, to follow my own logic, I should not care about your personal choices!
There are a few things I’ve noticed when it comes to our judgments:
#1. IMPERSONALITY MAKES THINGS EASIER (BUT NOT NECESSARILY BETTER)
It is easier to judge and be indignant about something when it is a general idea versus a specific individual. It is easier to judge when it is at arm’s length, anonymous, and we’re able to focus on one point of contention.
It is much more difficult to defend our convictions when faced with an actual human being where we are forced to acknowledge them as a whole person.
With me and the eyelashes, it was easy to make fun of it when it was generic women on The Bachelor or one of the Kardashians. But when confronted with a friend who was battling breast cancer, who loved wearing makeup and getting false eyelashes because it was the one thing that she could control as the chemo and radiation wreaked havoc on her body, who am I to put that negative energy out for her to absorb? She was an absolutely beautiful person on the inside — she exuded love and acceptance and warmth — she attracted people into her orb and it wasn’t surface-level attraction…she was a soul magnet. So even if she didn’t need that external adornment, she wanted it…she wanted to sparkle inside and out as she was literally battling for her life. When you see the WHOLE PERSON and the WHOLE SITUATION, the judgment starts to look like a really dumb thing to hold onto, doesn’t it?
#2. FINDING EVIDENCE FOR OR AGAINST
When you observe yourself and your judgments out in the real world, you can find evidence that your judgment is not the truth. Of course, it is more common to create a vacuum and look for evidence to support our thoughts and feelings, though perhaps that is an indication of maturity, or lack thereof.
As we mature and personally grow, we learn to observe ourselves and question…
- Does this belief serve me well?
- Is this the truth? (or is it a knee-jerk reaction based on my past history?)
I often have a passionate initial response to things but when I say it out loud and a friend quickly points out that they do the ‘offending’ thing that I’ve ranted about, I’m immediately forced to look at my own response and question if I still want to believe it so strongly. Do I want to hold on to that belief now that I have it in context of someone who I love and respect?
#3. THE CONTRADICTIONS WITHIN OUR BELIEF SYSTEMS
When we isolate and become fixated on one detail, we think and feel we are right. But if we pull ourselves back and give it a bird’s eye view, if we look at how it fits within our entire belief system, then we may actually see that we have another belief that contradicts the initial one. Then we get to assess which of these beliefs is more important — which belief trumps all others.
For me and the eyelashes, that was a big ah-ha. My belief in individual liberty (as long as you’re not hurting others) is way more important than how someone chooses external expression (which I was filtering through my idea of authenticity). Once I made that connection, it was so much easier to release the feelings/emotions that I’d unfairly attached to other’s behaviors. How often are we expressing opinions without running it through ALL of our belief systems? From my observations of so many contradictions on social media, the answer is quite often!
This could probably turn into a separate 10-page essay — but the institution that I see as a major culprit of violating #3 is the Church. Organized religions, which are run by and communicated through humans (who are flawed), are notorious for getting fixated on individual details and creating hard-nosed rules. They do this without running their “rules” through ALL of the belief systems of their religion. They miss the fact that the teachings are not meant to be analyzed in isolation, but rather examined as part of the WHOLE. So many of us who are spiritual are turned off by the Church because instead of helping us unpack our own contradictions, so many loud-mouthed ministers actually add to the confusion.
In conclusion, it does not matter if someone wears fake eyelashes or not. What others do with their physical appearance has no bearing on my life. It is a stupid judgment of mine that adds negative energy to the world.
So now you might be asking, why the hell did I bother to write about it, then?
Because sometimes we need to bring our own darkness into the light. We need to acknowledge our thoughts, put words to our visceral reactions, explore why we might think the things we do, question ourselves and admit when we might actually be the asshole even when we’re pointing our finger at someone else.
I’m calling myself out. I’m processing why I choose to carry that judgment. I’m taking responsibility for my thoughts. And publicly promising to do better.
What judgments do YOU have that might not be “fair”? It is worth it to hold onto that judgment?
