Speaking Different Love Languages-Part One

“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman was a book that had been recommended for business reading, as strange as that might sound. But I suppose when you work with people, any insights gained can help with communication, relating, and understanding.

My main take-aways, however, had little to do with work though did have a tremendous impact in how I saw and understood my family (especially my little brother) and my friends (especially J & M).

J & M are friends who are very special to me and my hubbie, Adam, because they are how we met. J & M celebrated everything in a big way. Lots of planning and money dedicated to extravagant gifts — even for fake holidays, like Valentine’s Day, that Adam and I don’t even acknowledge.

We judged the hell outta them. We thought they were being superficial, flashy, wasteful even.

And they sure as hell judged us back. The disdain dripping from their tongues as they asked what we did to celebrate our anniversary [nothing], our answers met with silent condemnation, sharing nervous glances as they wondered if our marriage could survive.

One of the five love languages is Gift Giving, and to no one’s surprise, Gift Giving ranked at the absolute bottom of the list for both me and Adam. Not that we can’t appreciate a thoughtful gift, it just isn’t necessary for either of us to feel loved.

My ah-ha was realizing that it had to be #1 (or at least #2) for both J & M. Their celebrations and gifts may not be superficial after all! Reading that book helped me grow in empathy and understanding of what gift giving meant to them. It is how they showed love and felt loved.

The next time the four of us went out to dinner, I shared my ah-ha. I explained how we unfairly judged them before, but now we understood better. I also called them out for judging us (they had never said anything rude — but you still knew) and explained what our love languages are and what we do to fill each other’s cups. It was fun to see the light bulb go off and the stress they felt for our marriage melt away.

Something that the four of us had judged without being able to describe exactly why was now something we could laugh about.

I gave the quiz to my close friends and co-workers. Doesn’t it make sense to have clarity about how the people closest to you like to be loved? The insights I gained didn’t directly help me at the client and sales level, though it for sure has made me a better spouse, daughter, sister, boss and co-worker.

Catherine W Ham © 2020